Sunday, 22 April 2012

The Right Ear Dictionary 2: Knights Templar

Knights Templar (noun)
1. A medieval military order that was active in the Crusades, and suppressed by Pope Clement V in 1312.
2. Various freemasonry orders, with only fairly tenuous historical connections to the original Templars. In themselves fairly innocuous.
3. A loose gaggle of bedroom masturbators and keyboard warriors, imagining themselves the brave defenders of Western civilisation against the Islamist hordes, despite giving the impression of being unemployable fucknuts with no understanding of social skills or personal hygiene. Mostly deserving only of ridicule, until tragically one of them in Norway got his hands on some actual weaponry.

 After the suppression of the original Templars, an offshoot survived in the form of the Knights Who Say Ni. The classic documentary by Mr Montgomery Python documents their change of direction into the Knights Who Say Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Pitang-Zoom-Boing. However, he never chronicled their subsequent change into the Knights Who Say Leftard and Cultural Marxism and Creeping Sharia.

The order had recently fallen upon hard times. Recruitment numbers were down, and all their weaponry had been stolen by the local battle re-enactment society. In a desperate bid for new men, the knights approached the recruiting sergeant at a nearby Armed Forces Careers Information Office, and asked him if he knew of any dynamic, brave souls with the drive to serve their country.

The sergeant's first thought was to reply, "Yes, and I signed them up. They're out in Afghanistan right now." Then it occurred to him that he needed to get rid of the irritating walts who kept hanging around his office, occasionally chewing the information pamplets. He gave all their names and phone numbers to the knights, thus providing them with a spiritual home, and saving the MOD the trouble of taking out an injunction to make them bugger off.

These modern-day Templars undergo a rigorous training, which enables them to create elaborate but fictional past military careers with which to impress gullible girls who hang around the Casuals United website.  They are also occasionally tasked with hanging around at EDL events, standing next to Tommy Robinson in order to make him look like some sort of intellectual by comparison.

The Templars also have an in-depth understanding of modern weaponry, or at least how to do Google Image searches for weaponry.

Unfortunately, as with every bunch of idiots, there's usually someone who'll take things a step too far. Most of them were content with occasionally posting 140-character tweets of utterly cretinous bullshit. Anders Breivik, on the other hand, went on to spaff out a whopping 1,500 pages of utterly cretinous bullshit. He then displayed the bravery and nobility of a Templar by shooting dead 69 terrified, unarmed kids, then cacked himself and surrendered on the spot the moment any actual armed police turned up.

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